Live Love Learn Die....

Wouldn't it be great if there were one person out there that like me for me and didn't want to change me?  Wouldn't it be great if there were one person in my life whom I was good enough? Whom I wasn't a disappointment to?

I think so.... but oh well....

I had such a wonderful time with Angela yesterday. I wish everyday were like that. It was great. I wish everything were great though. I feel so sick right now. I’ve gone over-budget. I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve been doing way too much spending and now I feel like an idiot. I saw this coming but I thought that I could control it. But it’s so hard when a simple fucking meal costs you more than $25. I’ve really let myself down. It didn’t help that I bought that Nintendo DS either. Sigh, it’s not like I don’t know what I have to do though. It’s simple, I’ve just got to stick to only spending what I can afford. I know it’s gonna be tough though. Especially in the food department. I’ll figure something out. I have to. It’s not like this only affects me. It affects my mom too. I need to make sure that there’s money saved up in case anything happens. This almost makes me wish I had a part-time job but I know that’s impossible especially with school starting soon. Well, I’m going to rededicate myself to saving, not because I want to but because I need to. :-D

There have been, at least what I consider, a few problems between Angela and I recently and I just need to vent a little. I’ve just been getting really frustrated about a lot of the things that she’s been saying lately. Many of them hurt but she doesn’t seem to recognize that. She says that I’m going to leave and get back with Chris’ mom. That hurts me so much but what really hurts is that she doesn’t see how much her saying that hurts me. It’s like she doesn’t believe in me or our relationship. She acts like I’m using her to pass the time until Chris’ mom gets better. Just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes because things couldn’t be further from the truth. Angela is the only person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She’s wonderful, when she isn’t in a bad mood. I have no desire to be with Chris’ mom but no matter what I say Angela doesn’t believe me. Angela loves pointing out that I have filed for divorce yet. She doesn’t understand that that has nothing to do with me wanting to be with Chris’ mom or anything stupid like that. Some of the reason is financial. I’m not sure that I can afford to file. But the real reason is that I’m scared. I’m scared of losing Chris to her. That’s my biggest fear in the world and I’ve cried myself to sleep many times over it. I’m afraid that a judge will give Chris’ mom custody over me. I know she won’t take care of him the way she should. I know, from what Chris’ grandma tells me, that she has too many problems to able to take good care of Chris. At least right now I know Chris is safe with the way things are now. But things are looking up I think. From what her mom says, I think Chris’ mom has screwed up legally enough times now that a judge would have no choice but to give me custody. Now it’s more about getting the money together to file for divorce and then to file for custody. It’s all a big mess and it hurts that Angela points it out almost on a weekly basis, if not more often. Sometimes I wonder why she wants to be with me if she has so little faith in me. Also, Angela has recently been making a lot of comments about how I don’t like to go out or anything. I don’t even know how to respond to that. I’m not going to lie. Most nights I’d rather just like to hang out than go somewhere but I’ve always been like that. It’s not like I’ve changed somehow. I told her that I didn’t like going out when we first started talking and she seemed fine about it. I don’t understand why she’s bringing it up now. Besides, it’s not like I never feel like doing anything. I do sometimes. I don’t know. It just feels like I’m letting her down in so many ways. I really wonder what she’s doing with me. It doesn’t seem like I’m the type of person that she really wants to be with.